Ugly American #36 – Marvel: a tale of booty, and re-booty!

I have no idea why, but I spontaneously became interested in the age of Marvel’s current stable of books. Now, DC was very open about re-setting their entire publishing slate in September of 2009. Well, it was kinda open about it. They were adamant that it was a “soft reboot”, which was mareketese for: “We’re keeping some continuity for the five books that sell for us, and throwing the rest in the trash.”

I do know that everything got a new # 1.

Across the street, Marvel responded with the NOW! initiative. The core titles got fresh new creative teams and new # 1s on the covers. There was no erasing of any continuity, or at least no more than usual. I mean, if Bendis wants to represent Emma Frost in a manner that strikes absolutely no resemblance to the woman she’s been at any point in her history, well…who’s going to argue with Bendis? But that’s just business as usual over there.

So, pretty much all of the DC books that came out last month had a # 21 on the cover. Pure curiosity set me to wondering…how many Marvel books featured a number higher than that? My general sense was that about half of the Marvel books would qualify. What I discovered is that there were 10:
• Journey Into Mystery # 653
• X-Factor # 257/258
• Red She-Hulk # 66
• Astonishing X-Men # 63
• Venom # 36
• Wolverine & The X-Men # 31/32
• Ultimate Comics X-Men # 27/28
• Daredevil # 27
• Ultimate Comics Spider-Man # 24
• Avenging Spider-Man # 22

That was a shockingly low figure to me, but that number was about to shrink, because I smelled bullshit on some of those titles. Journey Into Mystery,

for one. What I really wanted to track was how many titles Marvel was publishing with a longer consecutive history. JIM took over from Thor’s numbering at # 622, so the figure is sort of 34 issues, not 653. But really, JIM switched characters and creative teams in mid-stream, so Journey into Mystery # 653 is actually Sif # 8, if we’re being honest with ourselves. Sorry, you don’t qualify as a more veteran book than the DC books.

X-Factor is also weird, because Marvel gets pretty cavalier with its numbering habits. In this case, Peter David has been telling a consecutive, unbroken narrative for about 109 issues beginning in December of 2009. That’s positively ancient by today’s standards. Unfortunately, after issue #50, we got issue #200, so that puts X-Factor at about 59 issues without a re-boot. So it still qualifies as older than the DC line, but the 258 issues is a bit of a sham.

Red She-Hulk has some of the same issues that plague Journey into Mystery. It started out as the Jeph Loeb Rulk book, and then became something entirely unrecognizable – new creative team, completely different lead character. That comic should really be Red She-Hulk # 10. Again, newer than the New 52.

Most everything else on the list looks older than DC, but those higher issue numbers simply reflect Marvel’s practice of double-shipping. Ultimate X-Men, Ultimate Spider-Man, and Daredevil seem senior at first blush, but they were all born in September of 2011 just like the New 52. At best, it’s a tie. I scratched them off the list. Same with Avenging Spider-Man (born November 2011), and can you believe Wolverine & The X-Men? Jason Aaron and company cranked out 32 issues of that comic between October 2011 and June of 2013. I can’t decide if that’s more impressive or depressing. In either case, I don’t count them as having a longer publishing history than the re-launched DC titles. Chronologically, they’re younger.

So after all that, how many Marvel titles have legitimately longer, non-rebooted, non re-numbered histories than the New 52? Buckle up, kids. It’s a grand total of 3 books:

Astonishing X-Men with 63
X-Factor with 59
Venom with 36

Astonishing X-Men is unequivocally the grande dame of Marvel Comics, published consecutively without a reboot since May of 2004. And in true Marvel fashion, the title with their “richest” history is a book they clearly should have stopped publishing years ago. As soon as Whedon was done, everything unique and relevant about that comic left with it. But as per usual, Marvel is better at making dollars than making sense. (there’s another horrifying pun for you, Monster Mike) (Ahthankyousir - Monster Mike) Astonishing is also rumored to be on the chopping block.

No rumors necessary for X-Factor, confirmed to be ending with # 262. Rich Johnston is convinced that Marvel will announce X-Fatcor re-boot news at San Diego, because why wait for the body to get cold before you take another run at her? I suppose if it gets me my Layla Miller fix, I shouldn’t complain.

Which means that in the very near future, that Venom book Rick Remender started writing WAY back in March of 2011 will be the longest tenured book in the Marvel publishing line. How crazy is that? I don’t consider it a good thing or a bad thing, really. To me it’s an interesting thing, because Marvel is not what I would consider the subtle half of the Big 2, but they’ve very quietly turned over everything real quiet like, so nobody would notice.

I wouldn’t expect them to be done turning things, either. They went about 50 years without re-numbering the original X-Men title, to the point where they trotted out reprints for several years instead of re-starting it. Now we get a new Uncanny X-Men title about every other year, and will probably continue to do so. The next Wolverine ongoing will be what…the 13th or 14th iteration? If you can’t keep Wolverine afloat, that would cause some concern, one would think. Marvel doesn’t seem to mind.

DC, on the other hand, does seem to mind about these things. Because they were so vocal about it, they almost can’t go back to the re-boot whip without looking like colossal failures. Which might be the case.

Share “Your” Universe

Speaking of colossal failures, let’s get to the new “Share Your Universe” farce - I mean initiative Marvel is parading around at the moment.

Where to even start? I wish I could tell you exactly what this program entails from the Marvel perspective, but I can’t. I say that as a man who just finished listening to the press conference. The reason why I can’t explain it is that it was presented with little concrete detail. Plus, the conference was constantly being interrupted by what sounded like aliens from District 9.

Apparently, that was actually just the rudest person on the planet typing throughout the conference call.

I think that “Share Your Universe” has something to do with pointing other people, preferably younger people, toward Facebook and like, stuff? Facebook and like, stuff will then point these young people to comics they have absolutely no intention of reading. By the way, they point-blank admit on the call that there really aren’t any kids comics at Marvel to point them to. Not that it matters. R kdz Evn abel 2 rd hole wrdz thz daze? OMG ROTFL

Joe Quesada and Dan Buckley painted a verbal Rockwell on that conference call, in which parents pass the comics torch down to their children, nieces, cousins, and annoyed strangers. I guess it’s sort of like an old Saturday Evening Post cover, only with more bong mist. Hey, somebody introduced you to comics, old timer! Time to go forth and do likewise. Why?

Why?

Well, according to Dan Buckley, because it’s YOUR universe, and you will receive an unlimited supply of warm fuzzies by bonding with your loved ones via YOUR universe.

Ummmm, Mr. Buckley? One problem. I don’t want to belabor the obvious here…but if it’s my goddamn universe, exactly how many points am I getting, and why hasn’t my incentive check arrived?

Huh. That’s weird.

I guess if King Kirby never got his points, I probably shouldn’t hold my breath waiting for mine, should I? Yeah, probably not.

So let’s be real, here. I know facing down reality isn’t really en vogue in 2013, (although En Vogue was pretty much the cat’s ass in about 1990)

but it does have some benefits, contrary to popular belief. The Marvel universe is not my universe. It’s a product I have enjoyed, when it hasn’t priced me completely out. I like reading some of those comics. Hawkeye and Avengers Arena? I buy these books, I adore them, and I often write about them. Publicly, even.

Marvel is a business, and it isn’t mine. Share “my” universe? That’s a farce, and an offensive one. Stripped of all bullshit, this initiative would be titled:

“Marketing to new readers is tiresome and expensive, so….hey, you stupid assholes already forking over way too much money for our product? Yeah, you do it for us, instead. For free.”

Unfortunately, the accuracy of the title makes the brevity suffer. But that’s exactly what’s happening here. This is a business, and a business, mind you that produces BILLION dollar movies and has decided the problem with print comics is that the customers AREN’T DOING ENOUGH.

Where do they find the audacity? And why are there so many of them?

I’ve got it coming from all sides, now. Marvel has decided I need to be doing pro bono marketing work for them. Eric Powell wants a Goon movie. Fine. Why bother with investors you might have to share profits with when you can just Kickstart a $400,000 story reel from fans in exchange for…..nothing. Backers weren’t promised so much as a file of the reel, much less tickets to the movie that may or may not ever get made. Powell got $441,900 toward a goose that might shit golden eggs, and the fans got zilch.

Then there’s Gerry Conway attempting to crowdsource fans into providing paperwork and research toward getting himself and other people paid large sums of money – again, in exchange for nothing. Listen, I hope Conway gets stacks and stacks of money for his creations. I really do. But that’s his money, and his problem.

Near as I can tell, the issue with DC now is that Levitz isn’t doing the paperwork for the creators any more, and the company won’t pay retroactively for use of the characters. So if you created the Psycho-Pirate or something, and he’s appearing in the upcoming Justice League movie, you need to file your paperwork in advance to be compensated.

So here’s the deal – if you really want the money, pay attention and hire a lawyer. Let me assure you, if I had the potential for thousands of dollars coming my way, all the horses in King’s Landing could not pull me away. If you’ve got a payday coming, and you can’t be arsed to bookmark latino review and keep an eye on things, then clearly you don’t want it badly enough. Pick a bone with Warner Bros. over having to do the work if you like, but how is it ever my responsibility to make you money?

Where does this prevailing, creepy, bizzaro, collectivist thinking come from, and how do I make it go away? Let me spell it out clearly for the uniformed:

When seeking monetary gain, you must offer value in return. We have a word for profiting off another while offering nothing in return. It’s called stealing.

I’m not talking about charity. I have given money to Peter David for medical expenses, and to aid Gary Friedrich in a time of need. Nobody was looking to get rich in those instances. I wouldn’t assist Friedrich’s legal battle for royalties without a piece of the action on the back end, as an example. I was looking to make sure the guy had a sandwich to eat and maybe a roof over his head.

If Marvel wants to grow their business, I recommend they offer a great product at a reasonable cost. They’re pretty darned good at the first part, and need significant work on the second. Maybe if they fixed that piece of things, they wouldn’t have so much trouble getting new readers hooked in? Just a thought.

Look, I’m the paying customer. I don’t mind making Marvel rich, provided they give me value in return. When I buy the books, I’ve already done my part and then some. They’re in business because people like me are buying Daredevil and Young Avengers. That should be cause for celebration, not disappointment. They should be going out of their way to make me happy, not attempting to squeeze the last drop of blood from my turnip body with free PR work.

It presumes on the relationship, and has everything backward. It would be like approaching a guy that was kind enough to loan you some money in a pinch and go:

“Hey, you’re the dude that gave me that $20, so you should definitely help me move this weekend.”

Wha-huh? No, dude, you have it backward. If that guy did you a solid, you should be helping HIM move, not compounding your social debt by demanding even more.

I’m not responsible for growing your business, Marvel. It’s your booty…you dig it out, dig? It’s sort of bizarre that a concept so simple needs explaining, but here we are. Space Brothers, I am ready for pick-up! Things do not make sense here.